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[26 Dec 2007|10:58am] |
These past few days have been uber weird and stressful.
"you're next, amanda."
those words were said to me jokingly, but they scared me. That is what one of my aunts said to me while we were talking about my older cousins' marriages and engagements. fuck. i'm just graduating high school, i can't be "next".
not that i'm thinking about marriage in any way, shape, or form. but i hate my family kind of pities me now, always asking about boys, ex-boyfriends, past crushes, etc. i hate that. they always expect me to be in a relationship with someone, like i'm not worth anything if i'm not with anyone. it's irritating and too much pressure.
maybe that's why i did it, why i give into the slightest opportunity to feel like i'm wanted by someone.
i feel suffocated by the so many around me in happy relationships.
All I have are rapidly fading memories and someone who I only see now about once every few months at the shortest.
I'm sorry if I do anything that offends or shocks anyone this christmas. I probably wont. But if the opportunity arises I might actually take it. Even though I'll be sick with myself for doing it.
But I did feel wanted, even for those brief 15 minutes. Even though I'm sick of just having random flings like that which probably mean nothing at all to the other person.
I'm so tired of all of this. I can't wait for next year.
Sorry about the emo post.
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[23 Nov 2007|02:27pm] |
I'm trying to answer that eternal pestering question of "why?"
I hate that question, whenever it comes up.
"Why?"
Ew.
What goes up must come down. I feel like I'm walking in some sort of fog. I'm confused as to how I feel about my single status right now. Sometimes I feel like I like someone and then I ponder it for awhile and the feeling grows cold. maybe that's really emo. I know that i've lost the feeling. that adventuresome "i'm going to do it right now because i might not have the chance to again" is gone. I feel like I've lost my impulsive-ness. It makes me sad. I rather enjoyed just doing things and then thinking about them later, even if it did have negative consequences in the long run. I never knew that one small situation could turn into something big, and affect a wider spread of people other than those involved. I wonder if that whole two weeks changed people's view of me. I don't know. Everything is all messed up.
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[27 Sep 2007|09:08pm] |
I am not kidding you:
For the past two nights I have had the same dream. Not just once, but several times a night. In this dream I am driving my car. Most often it's raining, but sometimes it's not. But each time I lose control of the car, and I'm about to crash into something but I force myself myself awake. Like one of those jolt awakes. And then I can't go back to sleep for an hour.
I don't know what it means. But it needs to stop because I really need some sleep...
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[25 Sep 2007|10:04pm] |
Drama = Shit.
Why do people make such a big deal out of everything? One thing gets said, people talk about it, and then everything is blown WAY out of proportion. This is so fucking ridiculous!
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[22 Sep 2007|10:30am] |
A few updates:
- Work is pretty sweet, especially now that I either work with Kelli, Katie, or both. And a lot of the other people there are pretty cool too. (Just not as cool as the "mooses" (is that the proper plural of moose??)
- Children's Theatre this year = AMAZING. We're doing Jack and the Beanstalk, and I'm the giant's wife, Curt is the giant, Steve is Jack, Beth is the cow (I think she is the most excited for her part out of anyone)
- School, this is like the best year ever! I love all my classes except AP stats but Allison and Maria are with me and that's just awesome in itself.
I'm really excited, things are going so amazing right now. Well, except for the fact that I didn't get to go to the Renaissance Festival this year, but what can you do?
I REALLY want to have a Cider Mill day, kind of like last year...only not....
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[13 Sep 2007|04:20pm] |
Today I brought Dean the Green Machine home. But don't worry Bruno fans, the BAV will still be squeeking around Clarkston, just not driven by me now.
Oh, and look out for his "I Brake For Frogs" license plate cover...yeah, I've had that for like 4 years and it's still amazing. Beth says we need to find a witty bumper sticker, so if any of you see one that screams me and Beth, tell me.
I think writing a book is making me slightly Emo. I have to consider a whole bunch of emotions and reactions each and every day. But writing this is totally the best thing I've done in a LONG time, I love it. The only problem is I have family and friends asking me to dedicate the book to them for one good reason or another. But the thing is a) it has to be published and b) i have had it in my head who I would dedicate my book to for awhile (it's 3 people) but I also like the House of Leaves "this is not for you" dedication.
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[12 Sep 2007|05:09pm] |
It's entirely irrational, but I can't help thinking that I'm sick today because of my realization from yesterday
I feel physically and mentally sick now
Sorry doesn't cut it, and i suppose it never will
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[02 Sep 2007|08:12pm] |
Moving on is a very peculiar thing indeed
I've wondered whether I have or not, and I'm still undecided I suppose...
But then again, I'm still undecided about a lot of things in my life. I just hate making decisions is all.
It's interesting how things never work out exactly the way you'd hoped they would. Right now, I guess I'm just coping with the consequences of my actions and words. All of them. That's a lot of things at once.
I kinda wish we still talked at least, and that I knew what was going on with you. Or maybe that's just being nosy.
Maybe I'm drifting with more than more person.
Is it ever possible to have your cake and eat it too??
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[31 Aug 2007|09:16pm] |
Neighborhood Disturbance Number 2
So I was awoken this morning at about 4 am because both my parents and all the dogs were up downstairs, with people making phone calls and dogs barking insanely in the yard. Then the police showed up and they were scoping around my neighbors' yards with flashlight.
Here's what happened:
My mom was awake and she notice this car make a U-Turn in the middle of Oakhill road. Then, another car came by a few minutes later and just suddenly STOPPED. Then she saw two hooded figures run over the burm and then went behind my neighbors house. So she woke up my dad and told him to call 911 and then my neighbors. So the cops came and said that they could see tracks heading straight back behind the house toward sashabaw.
In the morning we found a green hose strung across the road (weird right? like the ENTIRE roll of hose) that's why the cars were turning around or stopping in the middle of the road, so we still don't know who it is...
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[29 Aug 2007|10:33pm] |
I really hope this isn't the start of another "drifting apart" period
because the last one was hell.
I'm just not able to actually be myself and that is not a good thing at all, for me or for those around me.
I really hope something happens this weekend, because after that who the fuck knows when anything will happen again between work and school and soccer.
Ugh, I want to cry...
and wish on stars
and hope hope hope that people still hold true to pinky promises (because i feel they're much more trustworthy than a scout's honor)
Ahhhh! this is so frustrating! someone please help me out!
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[23 Aug 2007|09:55am] |
Just viewed the video of Damian's son, who was born almost two months early...it pretty much made me cry.
On a heavier note:
I'm sorry if you're mad at me, truly I am.
You told me you weren't mad.
If you are mad, I would even prefer you yelling at me than simply not talking to me at all.
I feel so confused and out of the loop - i wish someone would tell me what was going on because I can't stop thinking about how i wish i could make it better.please. i need to know what's happening.
p.s. you know who you are
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[21 Aug 2007|01:48pm] |
Schedule:
1) Forensic Science ~ Brosky
2) Child Dev 2 ~ Olechowski
3) AP Lit ~ Mahler
4) AP Art History ~ Secord
5) AP Stats ~ Sims
6) Independent Study ~ Warner
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[15 Aug 2007|11:59pm] |
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I think two boys are mad at me, and i guess they have a right to be so there's really nothing I can do about it. However, I wish I knew for sure that they were mad at me, so that I could try and make it up to them in some way
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[13 Aug 2007|02:20pm] |
I kind of feel like I'm living in a soap opera right now (adjectives like ridiculous and confusing could be used to describe it)
I feel like some of the things that are happening in my life are taking me away from spending quality time with my friends
I wish things weren't so confusing
I wish my mind didn't tear things into so many pieces that right now it looks like an impossible task to put back together
I wish I knew for sure how I felt about everything and everyone
I haven't had a good cry in a long time, so maybe I'm due for one soon...
I also wish I could control my impulses...they've been getting me in a lot of trouble lately and truly on making things more confusing...not better
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[11 Aug 2007|10:30am] |
I'm very tired...and frustrated....
how anticlimactic...
Fickle (Fick-le adj.): Characterized by erratic changeableness or instability, especially with regard to affections or attachments; capricious. not constant or loyal in affections
Yes, I was called fickle yesterday...it kind of threw me off, because it was kind of random but I guess I understand where the person was coming from
but sometimes I have a one track mind and i don't want to play a roundabout game...i just want to get the prize as fast as i can
OMG I just had an epiphany! It totally makes sense now! OMG OMG OMG (sorry, I literally JUST got this)
I AM the little girl trying to reach the stars!
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[08 Aug 2007|02:25pm] |
So this is a summary of basically everything that's happened since i've gotten back from Georgia:
Monday 7/30: Finished Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Hung out with James, Rented movie of finished book (Jude Law was in it and that totally shocked me, because it's pretty old)
Tuesday 7/31: Job Applications, got called back by Rainforest Cafe, went for a job interview, got the job
Wednesday 8/1: Went the the Mall with Jon and Steve, bought Darkside Zodiac, watched Anastasia at Steve's house (LOVE that movie)
Thursday 8/2: Hung out with Tom (fun and interesting, that kid never bores me)
Friday 8/3: Played a game with Jon, Josh, and Nick, travelled along sashabaw with those 3 plus max
(There was so much testosterone that week it was ridiculous!!)
Saturday 8/4: Memer, Britt, and Kelli came back, a very large and unexpected get together at the Noble house. I basically ran my mouth off trying to talk to so many people I haven't seen in awhile.
Sunday 8/5: Soccer with peeps at Springfield, it was SO fun (but i was ridiculously sore afterwards) I accidentally hit joe in the face trying to clear a ball....it was funny
Sunday/ Monday: I finally got up the courage to take a walk outside and it was AMAZING, it was the best night of the summer if not the year...or my life
Monday: Mal's house, and i talked to David the entire time because I hadn't seen him in 2 months...I love Amanda-David heart to hearts
Tuesday: ran to Borders and spent the whole day reading Eclipse whoo!!
So, if you have any questions for me or want to talk call me and i'll try and figure out a time we can hang out or whatever, there's only so much summer left you know 248 802 8731
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[06 Aug 2007|11:07am] |
I'm eccentric (or odd as others may call it)
and ridiculous for walking around with a smile on my face all the time now
but I don't care
because if i were to die today, i'd die happy and that's cool.
Peace and Much Love,
Amanda
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[03 Aug 2007|10:41am] |
Delayed Gratification, though frustrating, makes the prize that much sweeter in the end.
I feel accomplished and it's AMAZING!!
I also feel like laughing....for absolutely NO reason hahahahahaha
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[09 Jul 2007|10:28pm] |
James,
I don't even know if you check livejournal anymore, but today has been frustrating and i'm reaching out in whatever ways i can right now. So here it goes:
I don't know what I did to make you angry or frustrated or mad or whatever. I JUST got home, and you talked to me yesterday so I am extremely confused as to why you won't speak to me today.
I miss you.
I want to talk to you.
I want to be with you.
Please talk to me, or I will continue to go to greater lengths until you do.
Love,
Amanda
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[08 Jul 2007|09:32pm] |
This is completely emo but...
I wish I could stop thinking about someone and replaying our conversations over and over in my head.
It would save me a lot of hurt, confusion, and more importantly - horrible longing...
Where is life's magic eraser? i'd even do with a replay button to show people how i view things
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